Funniest "Writer Wanted" Ads, Part 2

Here's another round of funny "Writer Wanted" ads. Okay, maybe there's one or two that aren't specifically for writers, but are still funny anyway. I wasn't actually planning to do a part two, until a friend sent me the first one and suggested that I keep going. So, enjoy!

Compile a Hilarious Collection of Jokes about Women

I am looking for a writer to compile a monster book of jokes on the topic of women. The jokes can be clean, dirty, old, new, used, borrowed, blue.

The end product will be an eBook with a minimum of 299 jokes in total and all making fun of women.

PLEASE NOTE that I am looking for a talented writer to work with LONG TERM and will need you to also write other reports , compilations and books in the very near future providing your work is of the highest quality and your price is reasonable.

Please keep in mind that I do require the following from you;

A signed contract stating that this is a WORK FOR HIRE creation that you will own no rights to and that your name will appear nowhere on or within and that I will own all rights to including resell and distribution rights.

The report must be written in;
A font size of 12 points
Times new roman font type
Single spaced
With margins no more than 1” on all sides (left, right, to, bottom)

I also need you to include;
- An amusing 1-2 paragraph introduction that simply explains what the book is about and what it covers. (THIS IS A MUST!)

The completed project is to be delivered in Microsoft word within 14 days of me selecting you. 

Again, I am looking for a talented and original writer to work with long term on a variety of topics as long as your content is of quality and your price per report is reasonable.

This is a VERY EASY job, especially if you are a great writer and researcher, so please bid fairly.

I am not looking to pay any more than $25 for this

IMPORTANT – My codename for this project is Bushby. Please use this codename in your reply to let me know that you have fully read this post, understand completely what to do and that you can do it efficiently to produce high quality work.

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Thank you for taking a look at this project and I look forward to developing a long lasting working relationship with you.

We are looking for a humorous writer who can blog about the office dog called Oscar. The premise is that he is a dog that lives in a dog food factory; and each day he’s attempting to get his paws on the food. There is a cat that lives nearby who is his arch nemesis who seems to always get the better of him and wins more food than him. That’s the idea… We’d like to blog a few times per week; ideally the blog would include a cartoon of this weeks story. I would be open to the blog being a cartoon style as long as we had copy to blog.

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Hello,
I have a friend who is a politician in the public service sector who needs some public relations to help improve his image. I wonder if you have some ideas on what you can help with re: blogging, press releases, maintaining a website etc etc. etc.. Is there a way to talk over the phone? Thank you.

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Hi. Here is the project and the background, etc. My boyfriend's cat died this summer. We just had a couple of photos of her and they aren't very good - have attached the best one. I need to have the photograph of the cat (just head and shoulders) made into a line type drawing. Something artsy and eclectic, but I want it to look like her - her face and eyes, etc. I paint as a hobby, so I would take that line drawing and transpose onto probably canvas and then paint and add my own personal touches. Thanks. 

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I would like a summary of all the Real Housewives Of Atlanta episodes (there have been 3 seasons) and something about the new seasons episode. Document type: Opinion or Editorial, Blog or Web Content Topic or topics to be covered: Summary Of Housewives Of Atlanta Episodes Primary message of the document A summary of Housewives Of Atlanta episodes Target audience Fan of the show Desired length: 2000+ Additional comments: An episode guide 

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I just signed up for Match.com and after showing a few friends, they think it needs an overhaul to attract the right kind of woman. I need a woman's touch and opinion for this job

Funniest "Writer Wanted" Ads

As a follow up to my post on navigating writer job postings, I've decided to post some of the strangest and funniest that I've come across in my time as a freelance writer. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or to email me any that should be added to the list. Disclaimer: Any and all identifying information has been obscured for the sake of privacy. All typographical errors and uses of profanity appeared as they were in the original ad.

Enjoy!

looking for a co writer.i have 5 horror stories in outline.others already completed and in submission.thought it might be interesting to write with someone else.you must be serious about writing.NO ZOMBIES,WEREWOLVES OR VAMPIRES.that shit is to lame and i wont waste my time on it.you must be sick,twisted and slightly perverted.age,race,gender and sexuality dont mean anything to me.just be a cool person and we can write great stories.e mail or text me for fastest response.[obscured].my name is [obscured],thanks and i hope to hear from you soon.

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Get paid to blog!

We are a small production company in [obscured] and we need bloggers to write about our products!

Please include a resume.

You will be paid through Visa cash cards and you are able to work from home. You are able to get paid by check, but that means you would have to fill out forms and get taxed...

We are looking for someone to help us write hundreds of articles and blog posts and blasting them all over the Internet. This job will give

you a good foot in the door into future positions and you will soon learn how easy it is to make good money doing something you enjoy.

reply for more info follow the yellow brick road starting with "us"

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I'm a local writer and I'm writing my self-help/memiors. I've just finished the first three chapters and I'm looking for readers and other writers to give me some feedback.

Please take some time to check it out at www.TheInnocentsofBroads.com and let me know what you think. Thanks, [obscured].

Forced to post this job yet again.. Who ever we select we will have them do a trial article to make sure its the style were looking for :) 

Must articles must be sassy, sexy POSITIVE sense of writing. 

500 words each 2% keyword density per article.

Informative but playful style. ******Will be posted on drunktext.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW THE WEBSITE!!!! or competitors websites to get an idea about drunk texting

Please make sure the keyword is used in the first and last sentence

Texting while intoxicated- 2 articles

Texts from last night - 2 articles

My drunk texts-2 articles

Drunk texting- 2 articles

Drunk messages- - 2 articles

Drunken stupor- - 2 articles

College drunk texts- - 2 articles

Drunk photos

Drunk stories

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I am looking for a female fashion writer to research and write copy for an ebook on fashion tips for women with large Breasts.

The book should include information on bra sizing, information on different kinds of bra, colours&patterns, neck lines for tops and cuts of dresses. 

I would also like sample imagery to be included. 

The book should be around 100 pages long.

The writing should be light and conversational, whilst being informative.

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Added 8 AUG 2011, 5:51 AM EDT

I would also require information on swimwear for women with big Breasts.

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I need to address the US Patent office.

I need to request information regarding all GRANTED petetions in relation to Petetion to Revive Patent under "unavoidable delay"

The patent office grants maybe 100 per year and we want to request a complete list of patents that requested and were GRANTED a petetion to revive under an unavoidable delay

for years 1995- present.

We do not need any file information just the patent numbers .

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Okay, this one is not an ad for a writer, but for an illustrator. But, it’s still funny and weird:

I am looking to have a chicken illustration created for a t-shirt. The theme is LMFAO's Pary Rock Anthem. So I am looking for a female chicken in a polka dot bikini (similiar to the LMFAO album art) with a tatoo that reads, "Sorry for Party Rockin."

Navigating Job Posts as a Freelance Writer

With the rise of the Internet and various freelancing jobs sites like Elance and oDesk comes the need to sort through job postings and job boards to find a gig that's worth applying for. Especially if you're new to freelancing and are in desperate need of work, it can be tempting to apply to any job posting that's remotely close to something you can do or are interested in doing.But, doing that will only lead to the grief of bad clients, poor pay rates, and overall disappointment. Just like how a hiring manager is thorough and particular in the search for candidates to interview, and eventually, hire, you need to be equally thorough and particular in choosing the jobs you'd like to apply for. Essentially, there are three things that ought to be answered, and answered "correctly", in order to make a job posting worth the time and effort.

1. Budget - This is the most obvious one. How much does this job pay? If it's not listed, or if the job poster demonstrates that he/she isn't sure about the budget, then run away as fast as you can. You're freelancing as a business and you need to make a living. Don't waste time dealing with someone who has little or no budget, especially if it's below what your willing to work for. A few examples of when to run are when the budget/compensation says things like: Yes, $$$, cash, not sure, percentage of profit, per article, to be discussed later. All of those answers are just too vague for anyone to adequately gauge if the gig is worth the time. So, don't waste time trying to gauge it.
2. Topic - What are you going to be writing about? If it's unclear, or if it's something where you'll be writing about all kinds of things, then avoid the project. In freelancing, it's important to develop niches, or specific topics of expertise. By developing niches, it's a lot easier to make money as you are developing your knowledge base on a few select topics, positioning yourself as someone who has experience and expertise. It may seem fun at first to write about a variety of things, but it only gets easier down the road if you spend your time on a few topics. Research gets easier as well as you will spend less time on it.
3. Workload - How much work is expected of you? This is incredibly important to consider as knowing the workload will help you to determine if you can actually take on the project and if it's worth the money offered. There are jobs out there where its expected that you do 20 articles a week, or 10 articles per day. I don't even think I could do either of those if this client was my only client, let alone with the work of my other clients. If I don't know how much work is expected of me, it's possible the job poster doesn't either. And I don't want to work with a client who isn't sure of what they want.

Here's a posting from the St. Louis Craigslist that meets all of these criteria:

I am the Sports Editor for Patch.com, and manage the sports content for the 24 web sites that we have in the St. Louis area. As we prepare to cover the new high school sports season, we are looking for sports writers to help cover high school games, events and also write feature stories.

We also cover anything of relevance to the communities we cover, so not all of our sports coverage is prep sports. We cover everything from Little League sports, to features on MLB, NBA, NHL and NFL players that are from the St. Louis area. We also cover area college athletics. Patch is leading the developing news model for combining digital journalism with community-oriented news, and we are also a very fun, innovative and rapidly growing company. Please drop us a line, and we'll get you to work right away on the stories that YOU are interested in writing! 

I'm happy to answer any questions you may have. 

• Location: St. Louis
• Compensation: We typically pay between $50 and $75 per story.

As you can see, this posting addresses all of the questions a freelancer ought to be asking before applying. We know the compensation/budget. We know the topic(s). We have some understanding of workload, as we know the type of the publication this job is for. Since this is an online news publication, we can wager that the workload is something of one to three articles per week. If I wrote about sports professionally, then this would be something I would apply to. But, I don't, so I won't bother.

Here's an example of a bad job posting that screams "Run Away!":

I need someone to write two papers for me. Please let me know if you are interested. College grad, or college student wanted. 

• Location: St. Louis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Good pay with discuss if interested

This posting doesn't answer any of the questions adequately. There's no specification on budget, topic, or workload. Yes, the posting says "two papers", but how long are these two papers? What kind of papers are they? Are they personal essays or are they research papers that would require research and a bibliography? Another reason to run away is that this job posting is for someone to do this person's schoolwork. Now, I don't know about your ethics, but this person crosses the line. I will write about drawing boundaries in freelancing, determining what you do and don't do as a freelance writer, in a later post.

Is there anything that I missed, or anything that you'd like to ad about navigating want ads and determining if it's worth a shot? Then, please, comment below!

When a Freelance Writing Gig Pulls the Rug Out From Under You

A client of mine runs a series of social sites meant to spark debate and to build a community around a specific topic. They use the Ning platform, which is a great social website platform that can turn your community and passion into a business if you do it right. But, I digress. This particular client notified me that, effective TODAY, mine and another nine of their social sites would be closed, and that they wouldn't need any more articles from me at this time. These sites in particular were not getting as they had hoped. I was shocked. Not because I'm losing some good, money-earning, work for a little while, but because I was in the bottom half of their social sites. My topic was Hawaii (hence the picture) and I thought I was doing a good job with the site. I'm now stressed and panicky because I'm wondering what I've done wrong and what I could have done better.

The client also said that they will be replacing those 10 sites with another 10 sites on different topics, so once those topics are decided, I would have the opportunity to write for them again. I hope one of those 10 is something that I can do. Hawaii was such as good fit since I am from Hawaii. But, alas, I must move on for the meantime.

This serves as a good lesson as to why, as a freelance writer, you should always be marketing and on the look our for new markets and new clients for which to write. You just never know when a job will dry up, as mine did today. It may seem like job insecurity, but if you are always marketing and always on the hunt, a situation like this easily becomes job security. I'm not out of job, nor have a taken a significant cut in my freelance pay. It's a bummer to have lost the site, but I'm not up the creek without a paddle. I can easily bounce back, find something new to cover my losses. And, as I had mentioned, I have a strong possibility of retaining this client and working from them again in the near future. So, I might not have that much of a loss after all.

Perhaps I just might need a good squeeze from Lilo.