I'll Do It!

I'm not Allison Mack, or Bill O'Reilly, but I am just as fabulous.

How's that for a tagline/niche? I need a new one, since I don't even know what "All is On with Allison" is even all about. I'm thinking that I just have a pretty darn good life that I should be a bit more appreciative of, so I should just blog about and blog about what goes on here in St. Louis and in business and that other fun stuff. Although, I must say, 'Mack' is a pretty cool last name. It reminds me of a Mack truck, and that's pretty cool.

I mean, it's a start for a tagline right? I just read this long article about the dysfunctional guide to blogging and business success, and I think that 'dysfunctional' is a good word for me. I prefer different and original, but dysfunctional would work too. People probably do think I am dysfunctional. After all, I did go vegan and then I ran out of money for food so I had to eat all the meat that I had stored up and now I'm a horrible, horrible vegan.

A Week of Moping

Yeah, that's seriously what my last week and a half it's been. Probably the worst week and a half to mope too, since Memorial Day weekend is this weekend and I should have started the moping three days later. Time it with the vacation so that I wouldn't have been moping when everyone else was at work being productive and doing things with their lives. I haven't been working enough and being productive, even though work is slow and that's part of the reason why I'm moping.

I don't want to be moping. The moping is turning me into a loser. I want to be better and to be awesome! I am doing that by going to my VIP day tomorrow to work on my business and my personal branding. It starts at 8:30 a.m. and I will be getting free breakfast and lunch. How could I not go? I'm also going to be spending the day with my business coach and she will guide me in the right direction and help me tap into my purpose power and all that good stuff. I can do it! I will have a successful business and make money and save the world!

You Can Do It!

I can totally do it, and I must do it because the great Daniel Negreanu said I could do it. He totally said this when he participated in a Q&A on the FlopTurnRiver poker forum. I asked him a question about veganism, and how to go vegan, because he's also vegan, and this is what I got:

First, watch Forks Over Knives | Official Website it has a lot of great information. Then pick up the cookbook it's incredible. Also checkout Vegetarian & Vegan Starter Kit | Guide on How to Become Vegan / Vegetarian | PETA.org for help getting started. Good luck and congrats on your decision! Stick with it and you won't regret it.

Okay, so there's nothing in there that's all that encouraging except the 'stick with it' part. However, I've been telling myself that he was encouraging for like, six months, so I'm just going to 'stick with it' and tell people that Daniel Negreanu encouraged me through the interwebs and so that's why I can do it and that I won't fail.

That also really has nothing else to do with the rest of my life, except poker, but that's okay too.

I've also just concluded that my tagline sucks. I'm working on it. I also need to work on this whole page too.

My New Plan Towards Saving the World (and Reaching Oprah Status)

May has so far been a stressful, spring-cleaning, rethinking, must-build-identity-capital, sort of month. This month has been all about making the key decisions that will define, oh I don't know, the rest of my life or something like that. My business is just about broke, which isn't fun, and this is the primary reason that I've been stressed, and thinking, and building identity capital. I've lost some major revenue sources, on top of the fact that my latest big project ended up costing me money than making me money. It just seems like I make the money, but the costs keep increasing and have finally increased more than what I've been making. I need to do something quickly. I'm thinking that since I've come to terms with the idea of my business failing and having nothing but a website, and a domain name, and inbound marketing skills, that I should try something new with all that. Do some sort of 180, perhaps almost ditching all that I've done before.

I'm Actually Thinking YouTube

So, my magnificent plan B here is to go for it with YouTube; just start making videos and posting them, figuring out how to make great videos and to create that identity capital that turns me into a YouTube star. From what I've read, YouTube is the untapped gold mine, where there's not only a lot of traffic but there's also tons of opportunity to create great content and for YouTube and advertisers to help you create that content and to help you make money from that content. YouTube is competing with Hulu and Netflix, and they want to compete with television when all is said and done, so I think there's a huge opportunity there to create great videos, to create content that's of value to people and entertaining at the same time.

I don't have much idea of the kind of content I'd like to produce. I could fit the gamer girl niche. I could also produce a talk show or news show, interviewing awesome people doing awesome things. I could just make some sort of YouTube reality show, of me doing things in life and commenting on them. I could film my journey as a Half the Sky Ambassador, spreading the word about those issues and spreading the word about what others are doing. I do, however, have a fake fireplace in my office. I totally intend to use that, make that all camera worthy. My home office, it turns out, was totally made for YouTube videos.

What Is Oprah Status?

Oprah status is my phrase for being so awesome that you can just start your own television network, you know, because you're Oprah and you have that kind of clout. Then, you're so awesome that when your network isn't doing too well, the way to save it is to go back to hosting your own television show, on your own television network, and that does the trick. That's essentially how it went down at OWN, and I know this because I wrote a 700-word article for a client on the future of OWN. Oprah's back doing what she does best, so I'm not worried.

Did I mention Oprah also has her own magazine and website and book club and what not? The woman is fantastic. I mean, she said something about not liking beef, and then the beef industry got angry and sued her because she was Oprah, and the beef industry knew she had the power to turn everyone against beef. That's the kind of influence she has, and that's the kind of influence I want to have. I will use that influence to save the world, you know, end women's oppression and end poverty and good stuff like that. It's going to be fantastic.

I Have a New Kitty!

Kitty Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat

Our new kitty finally arrived from the shelter yesterday. He is awesome and it is so wonderful to have a cat in the house again. He is only 20 months old and he will be our kitty for the rest of his life. I am at work as I write this and I miss him very much. He needs love and attention and treats. I might go home early so I can pet him and teach him how to be held. However, I must do more work... after I finish writing this post. Fortunately, I get to have even more coffee tonight so I will get lots and lots and lots of work done (and playtime, which is most important).

He doesn't have a name yet, as we originally planned on naming him Pizza the Cat, but he doesn't look like a pizza. We want to give him a poker-related name, but haven't found one that's really good. The best we have so far is Mr. BigStacks, which we might end up settling on because that's not bad, but we have yet to think of one that jumps out at us. We'll probably have a name by the end of tonight. He can't go this long without a name.

Good News and Bad News

Good News about the Cat: He is fuzzy, outgoing, cute, playful, and talkative.

Bad News about the Cat: He doesn't yet understand bedtime, or what to do when the humans are sleeping. Thus, he wins at 7:00 a.m because I got out of bed, and tried to catch more sleep on the couch, but he saw me and that was enough to wake him up and to get him talking.

Good News: He always wins. That's the rule, except when he wants almond butter. However, all the rest of the time, he wins. It's probably the only way I'll wake up in the morning.

Bad News: I leave this Saturday to go to Las Vegas for a week! I have to go all those days without any kitty! That's no fun, and I am worried the kitty will miss me and bond with Sean without me.

Good News: He understands the scratch post, so he won't ruin the carpet.

Bad News: Anything that dangles is a toy, so my ear buds and belts are in grave danger.

Other Than the Kitty...

I am incredibly tired (because the kitty doesn't yet understand bedtime), so I haven't been as productive as I need to be today. I'm a little scattered and it's taking me longer than usual to get each thing done. This is also a reason why I want to go home early. I can take a quick nap before my Amnesty meeting tonight (which also gets in the way of kitty time). I wish I could skip it, but I can't because I promised yesterday that I would arrive early to put the sign up for the meeting at the coffee shop. Now, it's all a matter of remind myself to go to the meeting, and to go early, and to remember the sign.

But, the meeting will be fun! And I will have a medium soy latte with brown sugar! We will discuss things to do regarding the Arms Trade Treaty, and it will be invigorating as I will contribute ideas and then feel inspired to reading our book club reading once I get home. Of course, if I don't get home and get distracted. He meows a lot and wants to get my ear buds.

What I've Done Today List

Yesterday, I made myself a big giant to-do list, and it didn't even include all that I needed to do. However, I did get some of those things done today as well as things that were on today's to-do list. A great motivational tip I once learned said to create a "What I've Done" list instead of a to-do list. This way, you get to look at how much you accomplished instead of looking at what you failed to get done. Besides, a "What I've Done" list avoids that thing we all do, where we add things to do list just to check them off right away and make ourselves feel that much more productive. If you make to-do lists regularly, then you've probably done it. Anyway, here's what I've done today, as of this moment. It does not include anything that I still need to get done today or anything I am currently working on because I am multitasking:

• Prepare Food and Water for the New Kitty
• Call HubSpot
• Drink More Coffee
• Sent three marketing emails
• Set up my social media posts for the next week
• Scheduled my eye appointment
• Added HTML tags to five pages of web content
• Watched a webinar about inbound marketing
• Wrote a blog post on how to turn one idea into 20 pieces of content for tomorrow
• Sent an email inquiring about a venue for my upcoming business blogging classes
• Went grocery shopping, but didn't get everything I needed
• Finally got the laundry off the line
• Found my editorial calendar for Maurice
• Got a press released published for a client
• Followed up with same client about a case study, and showed him the published release
• Deposited funds from Paypal into my business account
• Tentatively planned and scheduled my work for next week

Whoa! I got a lot done for the day, and it's not over yet (the day ends when you go to bed, not when the workday ends). As an entrepreneur, the workday never ends. Although, by that logic, it means you're sleeping through your workdays as well. So, you should take the time to get the sleep you need.

What Else is There?

Obviously, I didn't do everything from my big giant to-do list. I didn't even write everything down in that blog post. I also have two more blog posts to write today as well. Plenty to do, and I must keep going! I am heading to Las Vegas next week, so I can't slack off and take breaks now. Although I plan to stay in touch with work when I am away, I want to get as much done as possible so I don't have to spend too much time working (and spend a little more time playing poker). I also have delegated a big project to a contact writer, so I need to stay on top of that to ensure that it's getting done on schedule and is being done to the client's standards.

Things are on track and looking good! I am excited! I am making moves, getting things done, and planning to make better moves and to get more awesome things done in the future. No slacking off! Maybe I should pretend I am 19 and a sophomore in college again, where I stayed up until 2 a.m. and would wake up at 8:00 a.m. to go to my 9 a.m. class. I really don't know how well that worked. I just know I slept in class a lot. However, I don't have as many extracurricular activities as I did then, and I don't have to attend class. I just need to hop on my computer, get what I need to done, and make it a point to exercise and to work from other places from time to time. Easy enough. Can I do it at 25?

A Virtual Executive Assistant... And Other Thoughts

I am writing this blog post from Hartford Coffee Company, a wonderful coffee shop in the Tower Grove neighborhood. Back when I was working from home, I would drop in here regularly work just as an excuse to get out of the house and to force myself to get a few things done. I didn't go to the office today, so I decided to come here and to get some things done. I have succeeded tremendously.

However, I'm Still Behind

The fiasco of last week has still put me a little behind. I do have four articles that I need to do that I haven't done yet because they didn't get delegated or because they are still leftover from last week. I'm very close to finishing that big order for February, so I should have most of tomorrow and Friday to catch on these things. I don't expect to start on the March order until Monday, at the earliest. I'm not too worried about the big order, but I am a little worried I'll get some backlash from being behind. One of them is a new client, one that hasn't paid me yet for two previous articles and pays well below what I would like. Perhaps it's not a big deal if we lose them. I do need to work on the Stirring Standard too, and improving my website, and improving my calls-to-action, and working on my content marketing goals.

Obviously, I need an executive assistant. Either that or I need to stop blogging.

Flavored Lattes are Pretty Good

Who would have thought? I was at Hartford last night, and the barista recommended me a flavored latte with toasted marshmallow and chocolate. It sounded good, as I didn't want something too sugary since I had a sugar crash in the afternoon (mochas are much more sugary than I thought). Turns out it was delicious, so today I got a flavored latte with brown sugar and vanilla, which was also delicious. Fortunately, Hartford has like 50 flavors to choose from, so next time I might go for coconut and macadamia nut, or coconut almond for the Almond Joy approach. Yum yum!

We are Getting a New Kitty!

Last weekend, we stopped by the Animal House Fund to pick out a new cat. They have over 250 cats there, so it was tough as well as fun because there were lots and lots of kitties and the more kitties the better. This organization was recommended to me by Hartford, so I knew they would be a good place to go for a new kitty. The cat we have chosen is Murray. He's a big, fluffy cat as big, fluffy cats are the best. He should be coming home this weekend, and I can't wait to have a cute kitty in the apartment again. I want to brush him and to carry him around the place and to teach him how to play poker.

I Need to Go Home Now

It's almost six, and Sean should be home by now. I want to talk to Sean. I want to eat dinner, although I don't know what I want to eat. I might play poker, or just watch more poker, or watch Sean play Age of Empires II because that came in today and I know he'll install it and play it. Or, I could finish this book I'm reading so I can start reading Half the Sky and be prepared for the next Amnesty book club meeting. I should also read Half the Sky to remind myself that I should be Oprah status by now. I don't have to go through what some of these women have gone through, and those women are awesome and successful in these countries with fewer resources and opportunity. Oprah status: the goal. I will discuss tomorrow.

How About a Newspaper Comprised Entirely of Business Blog Posts?

Think of It as the Huffington Post of Business Blogs

I applied for an Arch Grant toward the end of last year. I didn't get it, but if I did, I would have put that money into a brilliant idea I have called The Stirring Standard. This idea is essentially an online newspaper that syndicates all of its content from business blogs. Nothing like it exists, at least not yet. I'd like to see the Stirring Standard live and thrive, and perhaps be a game changer for news and content marketing.

Why Is This Needed?

As someone in the content marketing industry, more and more businesses are buying into the idea of content marketing, starting business blogs and venturing into other types of content. This is great, however, businesses lack channels to get this content in front of consumers. Companies currently have their own website, search engines, social media, and co-marketing/guest posting opportunities. The first three are great, and there's nothing wrong with them. However, it's incredibly difficult to find and to build guest posting relationships (co-marketing isn't as difficult, but you don't want to co-market all the time, or co-market with just one or two folks all the time). Businesses want to get their content in front of more people, build their audiences, and to build backlinks, but all that is tough to accomplish with the channels that are currently available. The Stirring Standard is designed to be that additional channel, something that accomplishes those three goals but rewards great content that is of value to the audience.

Rewarding Great Content is Key

With content marketing on the rise, it's going to be tough for companies to have content that stands out from the competition. It'll come down to more than optimizing it right, and covering the right topic for your audience. Those methods will work for those who started creating content early, but it won't be enough for those who start this year. The Stirring Standard will be an entity that will set the standard for great content, and will make an effort to have that great content rise above the mediocre stuff. It'll also level the playing field between those who've been in this awhile and those who are just starting. As an online publication, there will also be additional opportunities to feature content that isn't a blog post. Calls-to-action will appear in the sidebars and at the bottoms of posts, leading to eBooks, whitepapers, webinars and other long forms of content. It also forces content creators to think about the audience, instead of writing about company announcements, products, and services.

What Do You Think?

If you have any thoughts on this idea, please let me know in the comments. Since I didn't get the grant, I am strongly considering getting this done on my own. I already have two separate companies submit their business blogs for consideration, and this is through no advertising and no action on the site since September 2012. Something must have caught their attention to submit their blogs, despite five months of inactivity on the website. I believe that businesses have a story to tell, and have stories that consumer would be interested in. I believe that businesses are some of the best experts in their field, and aren't driven to create sensational content or false content, which has plagued online and print publications in the past. That is my vision, and I think there's a lot of merit to this vision. I think a lot of businesses would be interested in this opportunity, and would be willing to pay money to be syndicated. So, please, let me know your thoughts here.

Back on Track

I woke up today and committed to making today a productive, awesome day. I committed to making today a great day and to getting things done. Not only did I accomplish that, but I also found a dollar bill this morning on my way to the bus stop. It's the second dollar bill I've found in a three-day period. I hope I find more money on the sidewalk within the next few days, the next one being a 10 or a 20. You know it's going to be a good day when you find money on the ground, especially when the ground is covered in snow.

However, I'm Nervous

I applied for an Arch Grant about two months ago, and today is the day when they are notifying who moves on to the next round. Haven't heard anything yet, although they announced on Twitter three hours ago that the notifications will go out by the end of the day. It's less than an hour until the end of the day and I haven't heard anything. What's considered the end of the day? I'm nervous because if I don't get the grant, I will start on my project that I hoped to fund through the grant. If I do move on, then I will do the next round and go through the waiting game once more. Getting this grant will be huge, but I think my idea is even better, and I will want to make the idea a priority. However, I don't want to start on it if I do move to the next round. When will I hear something? Eeek!

Other Than That...

Today was a committed and productive day, and I will continue this by playing poker tonight (or maybe game night with the neighbors, as they haven't said anything yet). I played a SNG yesterday and lost, but I was incredibly spaced out. Before I knew it, I only had 2/3 of my original chip stack, and it felt like I hadn't played any hands or made any bad moves. I had no idea where the money went. Alas, I will play again tonight. It will be fun, and I will make the best decisions possible.

Poker, Poker, Poker

I need to practice for my Las Vegas trip, which is less than month away. I am super excited to go! I can't wait. I have this trip to look forward to as well as the Heartland Poker Tour in April. On Pokertube, they have videos of two separate HPT final tables. I plan to watch that to get a glimpse of how tough the competition is that these HPT events. I'm excited, and nervous. I feel my awesomeness exponentially growing. I want to be featured on Pokertube because that would be the coolest thing ever. I would be a semi Internet star. Also, if I happen to win big over the next few months, I could maybe make it out to the World Series of Poker to play one tournament or two. I want to play in the WSOP so bad, even though 2014 is probably when I'll make my first appearance. I need to win super huge to be able to play this year, even though a couple of events have a $1000 buy-in.

Finishing Up

I need to hurry and to finish this post because I want to catch the 5 p.m. bus. I was hoping to catch the 4:30 p.m. bus, but I took too long thinking of something to write about and then I got distracted with the Arch Grant announcement. I keep hitting refresh, hoping to see the notification, but a watched pot never boils. It'll probably come in while I'm on the bus, and then I'll get home and completely forget about it. Then, I won't see it until tomorrow morning or something. Why wouldn't it happen that way? It's usually how these sorts of things go.

Snow Day Today

Today is a snow day in St. Louis. Lots of places ended up closing, closing early. I ended up working from home because the event I planned to attend tonight was postponed to next week, and even though I take the bus (and the bus is always running) the weather made it seem like the sidewalks were going to be awfully slippery. I don't like the idea of eating it on the sidewalk. I don't like the idea of waiting for the bus when it's below 20 outside, and that the bus is probably running late because the road conditions are so horrible. I love snow days because they don't exist in Hawaii, so interesting things happen on snow days like people leaving early from work to beat the weather, and fun things falling from the sky, and the fact that things close in St. Louis but if this happened in other cities around the country nothing would close and it would be business as usual. I also like the idea that everything shuts down and that people stay home and its okay to be lazy or to take the day to plan or to think about the future (when am I never planning or thinking about the future?) Snow days are interesting. I wish Hawaii had sun days, where it would be too hot or humid to go to school.

Today is Also Poker Day

Yes, it is! I think I might start playing in an hour or two, after I finish this blog post and maybe do a bit more work. Yes, even with the snow day I've been getting things done. I still have to catch up from not getting much done over the past few days, so I do find it a relief the event got postponed. I feel like I have some extra time to get things done. The only thing I'm worried about with playing poker is if the power or the Internet cuts out. I've had problems with that previously when the weather was severe, so it would really suck if I'm in the middle of a good hand and I lose it because I couldn't place my bet. I actually had a strong showing the last time I played. I was up for the day, even though I did make a few bad plays. Those bad plays did cost me some money, no doubt about it, but I feel like I'm playing very well and that I just need to plug these leaks.

Building the Business

One thing that I've realized recently is that I haven't been pursuing jobs on Elance and on other sites as much as I used to. Part of it is that I'm worrying about meeting the needs of current clients, so I don't have the time anymore to pursue leads. Part of it is also that I am starting to get more leads, and more qualified leads, through my website, so the time that I do have is better spent on those. Both are good problems to have, but I also don't want to be put in a position where I am unable to grow or unable to support growth.

Another thing I just realized about building my business is that I've slacked off somewhat on improving my website. It was a point since the beginning of the year to tackle a page per week, making the necessary improvements. I didn't do a page this week, and I don't think I did one last week either. I should put it in my calendar for next week, so that I don't forget and then end up not doing any more improvements until 2014. I should do that now, before I forget. I planned poorly for this week, so I'm being extra careful to make sure that I properly plan for next week.

All good things to do on a snow day.

Developing a Personal Brand

As I promised yesterday, I'm going to work on developing my personal brand and answer the pertinent questions to do that. I took these questions from chapter 5 of The Marketing Agency Blueprint: The Handbook for Building Hybrid PR, SEO, Content, Advertising, and Web Firm. With the way our digital world is evolving, you're missing out if you're not spending time at least thinking about your personal brand and what you present about yourself online. I highly recommend answering these questions yourself since personal brands are becoming more integral in building your career and in building your employer's brand and company culture.

1. What three adjectives would people use to describe you? - Hardworking, crazy, and cheerful.
2. What makes you unique? - "What about me isn't unique?" is the better questions, but I'll answer this one anyway. Well, I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians are naturally unique people who think outside the box and do things differently. I'm also a native Hawaiian who lives in St. Louis, and moved here willingly from Hawaii, so that's something. I play poker, and not a lot of women play poker. I'm vegan, and went vegan three months ago after watching a documentary. The more colors something has, the better. I honestly believe my cat knows the secrets to life, but won't tell me because he only speaks Arabic. I aspire to save the world and be Martin Luther King Jr. Not enough people in the world want to do those things.
3. What life experiences have altered your views and actions? - Starting my own business has definitely altered my views and actions. I no longer believe that it's worthwhile to work for someone else because building your business has too benefits that a typical job doesn't offer, and I think self-employment has more job security than people think. I also like that with your own business, you make the rules and you can be yourself without worrying about fitting into a company culture and getting along with your coworkers. I don't think I could just go out and get a normal job anymore, even if my current business were to collapse.
4. What motivates and inspires you? - I am motivated by my own accomplishments and I am inspired by others who overcome hardship to accomplish something bigger than I've ever accomplished. I think about those women in Africa and developing nations who've managed to build successful businesses despite their hardships and I am inspired to do more and to be better because if those women can do it, then I have no excuses. I am motivated by my own accomplishments because they encourage me to set a new goal and to plan how to meet my new goal.
5. What are you passionate about? - I am passionate about content marketing, blogging, poker, human rights, and cats.
6. How do you balance your personal and professional lives? - I balance my personal and professional lives by scheduling my hobbies and personal activities as well as my professional activities. This ensures that I don't let my professional life take over by arguing I don't have enough time for anything personal. Also, since I work in a creative industry, I make it a point to take breaks and to get enough sleep so that I can create my best work every time that I am working.
7. Do your friends and family have different perceptions about you than your professional peers? - I think that there are some differences, but for the most part there's a lot of overlap. I think the two parties would differ on how crazy and quirky I really am, or on whether I'm working hard or too hard. Other than that, I think their perceptions would match.
8. Do you see challenges in life as obstacles or as opportunities? - Both, as challenges are opportunities to overcome obstacles and to become more awesome than yesterday.
9. Are you stubborn and closed minded? Or, do you view each experience as a chance to grow and expand your knowledge? - The latter, naturally. Isn't learning and gaining knowledge the fun part. As the saying goes, "you don't know what you like, you like what you know."
10. Do you take responsibility for your own success or failure? - Of course, although I might take more responsibility for a failure than a success. With success, there's usually other people involved who helped you to be successful. This is important in business as well as in poker. In either, it can be easy to blame someone else, but sometimes you can do everything right and still fail. In both you can also make a mistake that could ruin everything, or make a mistake that ends up turning out okay in the end.

Nature of the Beast

This is an essay I wrote in college about my cat Ambrocious. I have been a little worried about him recently, since he is losing some weight and he didn't want to eat his treats today. Other than that, he doesn't have problems, but he is an old cat. This kind of works out because I wanted to write about him today.

As a published writer and an aspiring journalist, my trouble in coming up with something to write about in the topic of nature is, ironically, unnatural.  How can someone well-versed in the English language and experienced in projecting thoughts in the written word now be so inept at something done a hundred times before?  I admit, this writer’s block is strange to me, and spending the last week and a half trying to push the block out of the way hasn't gotten me anywhere, except tired and in bed too early in the night.

All this cat hair all over me is also unnatural.  Makes me unnaturally ugly, a screaming mess against my black clothing.  The cat is also very unnatural in and of itself.  His name is Ambrocious, a name no natural cat would have. Ambrocious also enjoys spankings. This isn’t even something that humans naturally enjoy, and has been proven detrimental to childrens’ health.

The whole thing naturally goes something like this: prowling in the night, Ambrocious spies his prey sitting obliviously behind the ottoman. He ducks low on the cold, hard floor preparing for the pounce as his prey has set itself too close into the lion’s den. He holds still for a minute, stalking the prey’s non-movement. The prey has no chance, its camouflage useless, the shiny gold and purple against the cloudy-skied carpet. He leaps; the two front paws crush his prey as it echoes a crinkly scream. He gnaws on the ball of foil, as the prey dies a noisy, crumbled, death. Ambrocious is then bored and in need of attention, also known as the spankings. As a kitten, Ambrocious’ previous owner carried him around like a baby patting his bum with everlasting maternal love. Now, the six-year-old cat, comes to the casting couch to win his role as World’s Cutest Kitty, failing to realize that he is only one in contention. He tantalizes with his sleek, long orange and white fur and his kitty green eyes. Ambrocious also has unnaturally long fur, as he is not a Persian, but probably has the longest fur of any cat that is not a Persian.   Ambrocious also has a tendency to lick me, like a dog, in the face, which is also very unnatural.  I thought that was his way of showing affection, but it’s recently come to my attention that the cat could just be cleaning me.  I already unnaturally take a shower once a day with modern unnatural plumbing in order to smell, unnaturally, like apples.  I don’t need to be unnaturally cleaned by an unnatural cat.

Ambrocious can’t really help himself, having spent his entire life indoors eating dissolvable cat chow and following his humans every time they enter the kitchen (he doesn’t want food, the kitchen is just a great place for him to get the humans to look down at him and admire his unnaturalness). But, all this unnaturalness can actually be derived to the single fact that Ambrocious is neutered, a victim of a very unnatural process.  Therefore, Ambrocious’ lack thereof is the inherent and essential quality that explains everything about him.  Yes, things would be very different if Ambrocious did not lack any anatomy.

What is the inherent or essential quality or character of humankind, which cannot be changed?  The Ancient Greeks argued that it was our ability to reason, our ability to think beyond inherent instincts and desires and to provide a perspective that is bigger than ourselves.  And I’ve come to find that this perspective is about the size of a kitty as in the great scheme of things, we are only about the size of a kitty comparative to the universe.